WHAT WAS I THINKING? 54 Bad Boyfriend Stories, edited by Barbara Davilman and Liz Dubelman. Every woman has asked the question, and this collection, filled with stories from top names, proves there are almost limitless, and hilarious, ways to answer it. February release.

I met my dear friend Katherine Ruppe on the way to a white-water rafting adventure in Idaho. We hit it off immediately over lumpy sleeping bags, swarming bees and some sort of pharmaceutical that guaranteed we’d snooze through the scent of the nearby al fresco latrine.

I knew immediately that Katherine was a laugh-out-loud kind of writer. Apparently, the New York Times agrees.

MODERN LOVE

A Guest Star in His Romantic Drama

By KATHERINE RUPPE
Published: January 16, 2009 in the New York Times

MY science-fiction-loving friend Alyson always told me geeky guys were more interesting. I took her words to heart when I found myself single again a few years ago and resolved to broaden my dating pool.

Until then my pool (more like a mud puddle) had consisted solely of adventurous, charming, yet fatally flawed boy-men, one of whom had left me stranded at dusk with a flat tire while mountain biking down a ravine known to be frequented by mountain lions. An earnest geek with a heart of gold could only be an improvement.

With that in mind, I met The Engineer. He was good looking in a Clark Kent way. Sure, he was a brainiac with multiple degrees and a military-industrial-complex job, but he also indulged in Red Bull and Jägermeister, was an athlete and had a playful side. Maybe I could have my Clark Kent and a daring Superman, too.

Our first date was initially strained because of his quiet nature — he seemed unable to speak without first making intricate internal computations. Luckily after a few cocktails he loosened up, and we talked about spiritualism, near-death experiences and flying (he owned a plane — hot). I melted when he held my hand and spoke of future dates we would go on. His good-night kiss was a little mechanical, but I still got goose bumps. I went to sleep that night feeling unexpectedly tingly.

Two weeks later we had our second date, in Las Vegas, where The Engineer was temporarily working. I had just finished a screenplay, and my craving for adventure won over my need for caution in the romance department, so I flew there to meet him.

The movie version of our time there would be all glitter and high-rolling romance. In reality, we were two people growing more in lust in a bland business motel complete with free happy-hour beer and hot wings. After two days he flew me back to Los Angeles in his single-engine. His sexy pilot’s voice revved me up, while his explanations of wing load put me to sleep. Perhaps that’s what life with Superman was all about.

Back home, visions of boyfriendship danced through my head. The Engineer, however, seemed to be on a different flight plan, not calling for more than a week. But by our next date our connection had returned so strongly that I blithely set aside my dismay and invited him to a Moby concert.

Twenty-four hours later I was lazing on my couch when he phoned. I thought: “How nice, he’s calling two nights in a row. He really does like me.” Instead he sent my stomach into a neat back flip with the words: “There’s something we need to talk about.” I braced myself for his dirty bomb.

Read the rest of Katherine’s saga here.

Guru’s Note: Katherine’s story is also included in a riotous new estro-classic by Liz Dubelman and Barbara Davilman: What Was I Thinking? 58 Bad Boyfriend Stories. (If they’d asked me, I could have made it an even 60. At least.)

Posted by: Chelsea Kaplan 

In my opinion, if you’re over 25 and don’t have at least one “bad boyfriend” story, something’s wrong with you. Mine, who I dated right around 23, was a totally self-absorbed, not particularly cute, questionably gay co-worker who was occasionally kind to me, yet more often a serious ass, bringing that annoying Katy Perry “Hot ‘N Cold” song to life. Seriously, I could spend weeks posting insane accounts of his jerk-tastic behavior or the emails my friends sent me pleading that I please, for the love of God, cut him loose. Because I probably spent more money on Kleenex than rent during the tenure of our relationship, looking back, I want to smack young, immature me for putting up with his nonsense for so long. What kind of self-assured woman lets a dude treat her like dirt? I did, but, believe it or not, I’m glad he’s included in my relationship Rolodex. Had I not dated Mr. Not-So-Incredible, I never would have been able to fully appreciate the warmth, kindness, generosity and – gasp! – maturity of Mr. Truly Incredible, who I later married. 

If you too have partnered with a total tool, you’ll love the first-person recollections and redemptive lessons in What Was I Thinking: 58 Bad Boyfriend Stories (edited by Barbara Davilman and Liz Dubelman) as much as I did. Penned by authors like Carrie Fisher and “Sex and the City” writer Cindy Chupak, the stories are more than, “Seriously, how much did he suck?” rants—they’re celebrations of the instant when logic, common sense and simple self-respect triumph over the need to be loved —or, at least, the need to be in a relationship.

Though there’s a requisite amount of ex-bashing (it wouldn’t be nearly as enjoyable without some, right?), the authors never shy away from taking themselves to task, examining how and why they got involved with a jerk in the first place. Thankfully, the authors steer clear of any annoyingly self-indulgent amateur psychoanalysis, instead choosing to include a hefty dose of humor, as in Kerri Cesene’s “The Yogi”, the story of her fling with a yoga instructor:

“He pulled me on top. I smiled and leaned down to kiss his sacred lips. I closed my eyes. The I felt…his hand…on my …shoulder…which he gently rolled back…and I thought, ohmygod, is he correcting my posture? During sex?!? Since then I’ve been amazed to discover how many douchebags become yoga teachers.”

Also priceless are the stories of a woman whose ex told her friends he thought her ass was too big – after she left to go to the ladies’ room; one whose former boyfriend accused her of ruining the soup by making it with the wrong-sized noodles; and, of course, a woman who once dated a guy who stole her stuff. Not joking. 

It’s comforting, and occasionally laugh-out-loud funny, to realize that you’re not the only one who’s taken a trip down dating-a-loser lane. And as you do, I bet that you too will realize that despite any heartache you incurred while doing so, you’re better off for having endured the journey. And if anything, you’ve got a kick-ass story for the next edition of this book.

By Deirdre Donahue, USA TODAY

… What Was I Thinking? 

58 Bad Boyfriend Stories
Edited by Barbara Davilman and Liz Dubelman; St. Martin’s Press, 200 pp., $19.95

This is a treat for any woman spending the big V alone. Really. This collection of real-life “love” stories should be filed under the category of horror/humor — and kept out the hands of impressionable girls who might consider the veil, because Thinking could be subtitled The Joy of Celibacy. Fifty-eight brave women — including Carrie Fisher and Nicole Hollander — reveal the precise moment in which they realized they did not/should not/would not/could never love the man they were with. Sometimes it was the date who pronounced “carafe” as “creche,” insisting he was correct. And sometimes it was looking at a husband of 14 years and realizing he’d never decouple from the TV. The scary ones are the stories about all the things women did for love. And got zip in return.