Robin’s Story: That’s Just How He Is

We had been dating long distance for two and a half years and in that time I had pretty much pathetically tailored my life around our relationship. I flew to visit him every other week. He didn’t like to visit me because “there was nothing to do there.” I watched the TV shows and read the websites he liked so we could talk about them on the phone and over e-mail but when I would suggest he try something I liked he would scoff at it and tell me why the things I enjoyed were stupid. He gave me a subscription to The Economist for my birthday which I read religiously even though it bored me to tears because he’d quiz me on it weekly. Since I was a lawyer and lived in a different state I took the bar exam in his state so I could find work there. A BAR EXAM.

When I passed and was sworn in a couple blocks from where he worked, my parents flew in to support me but he couldn’t take an hour out of his day to make an appearance. He didn’t like kissing so we never kissed, not even during sex. He also had a bad habit of crushing my head every single time he would climax. When I gently mentioned to him that I was starting to worry he might break my neck during sex he got defensive. All of these things should’ve been major red flags but I just kept telling myself “That’s just how he is. He’s special and quirky and I like that. I’m lucky to be with someone who’s so different.” I had myself completely convinced that I was the luckiest girl to be with him and that everyone else could see how “lucky” I was.

A little over two years into it we decided to get engaged and move in together. It was more of a negotiation than a decision but I had completely fooled myself into thinking I wanted it. Shortly after that I was faced with a heartrending decision to have surgery that would ensure I could never have children. We talked it over in depth and decided it would be the best thing and we would work through it when that time came. I felt fortunate to have made the decision with the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Fast forward two months after the surgery, we both flew to New York and met there for a four-day vacation where we planned to get engaged (the ring had been purchased two months earlier). I would move in with him the next month. Instead, we met at the airport and went to the hotel where he told me he didn’t love me, had known this for months (well before the surgery) but didn’t have the courage to tell me until then.

He then promptly went back to the airport, flew home, and never spoke to me again.I FINALLY came to my senses the second he dumped me. As the words came out of his mouth and I realized that was it, I felt nothing but a huge sense of relief. No sadness, no anger, no confusion, just absolute utter relief that I didn’t have to be with him anymore. I don’t know why I was hanging on so much or why I felt I was so lucky to be with him. I’m extremely grateful he dumped me because I was so focused on making it work I never stepped back to take a look and realize I didn’t really want it to work.