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William’s Story: Nothing Major

This is to add some perspective from a male point of view. I was not a big dater leading into my marriage so when I got divorced and explored the world of Internet dating it was an amazing learning experience. I was told by my family to make sure to “stay away from anyone that is needy this time.” That obviously begs the question, What is needy?After a couple of years of sporadic dating, I met a lady that I found interesting and attractive. We dated for six months without any visible problems or differences. We had differences on children and scheduling but I always thought, “That is nothing major. I am sure there are some areas of scheduling that I had become lack on that would be worth correcting.”We even went on a road trip to a family reunion with no problems. At least I did not think so.

Of course, it is not until we broke up that my sisters decided to tell me, “I am glad you did that. She was not right for you.”Anyhow back to the “What were you thinking”. It was after the trip that things began to unravel. Of all things it started with a discussion about religion, which began with asking about The Da Vinci Code. When I was told that she would not read that story or Harry Potter Novels because the church does not recommend them I was taken back. I then questioned how she could support her gay friends and have pre-marital sex, which would be considered higher on the Do Not Do List. That ended the evening poorly but got me thinking about other differences in our beliefs but hey it was only one disagreement; no big deal.

That actually opened the flood gates to continual questioning: If I called to say I was playing mixed doubles tennis and would be over after the match; I would be accussed of wanting to spend time with another woman. – If I was told to “Just come over tonight.” I was suppose to realize that a surprise dinner was being made and I should have arrived earlier. Although I didn’t think it was my fault or something to blow up about, I would send flowers or plan a nice dinner out or buy some special lingerie to apologize. I still kept thinking, “No big deal. I just need to listen better.”The final melt down was a combination of two things, although I think we both knew things were about to end.

The first was when I was told that I wasn’t as romantic as other guys (ex-husband, ex-fiance, ex-boyfriend). I was shocked to believe that I was being placed in a category below people that were; physically and mentally abusive, manic depressive, and an alcoholic. The conversation ended with “You just don’t get it.” This seems to be a great female catch all phrase. My sisters like to say that it means, “You just don’t get it. You are suppose to change to meet my desires and needs because I’m not changing.” I did not need any further discussion after that statement. I stood up, put on my shoes and walked out the door.The funny thing is one month later I received a call from this lady to say she had a dream about me and knew that we should remain as friends. So, we have actually remained as loose dining or telephone friends. For the first year or so after we broke up I would be asked, “So, do you get it yet?” I would either make a sexual comment or just say I get we should stay as friends. After a couple of years, I was finally told, “I have to apologize to you because I now realize you “get it more than most guys””. Luckily we both got it that getting out of a “relationship” that has too many differences can be better for both people.

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