Alicia’s Story: Bad Date

I was in Washington DC for a weekend, and called up an old college friend to see if we could catch up. He works downtown and I was downtown sight-seeing, so he told me to go to this random book store in the middle of a huge, crowded square and he would find me. Sketchy. So I had to wait in this bookstore for 30 minutes for him to come find me after he got off work.

After he finally found me, there was an awkward, “I tried to go in for the hug, he turned it into a high-five.” Then, we took a cab to his apartment just outside downtown. Side note: apartment=disgusting. Nasty furniture, dirty dishes in the sink and all over the house, shit everywhere, bathroom was disgusting, and I’m cringing at the thought of it right now. Looks like its never been cleaned – ever. After he changed his clothes and put his work stuff away, he said we would go out to dinner. He took me to Georgetown, a fancier part of DC, with nice restaurants, upscale shops, etc. So I thought, hmmm nice dinner, could be fun. No. he takes me to freaking Chipotle. Because he doesn’t want to wait 15 minutes for a table.

So we go through the line, pick out our food, “build our burrito” if you will, get up to the cash register. And right as we get up to the register, he happens to see someone he knows across the restaurant (perfectly timed, I might add) and goes over to say hello. I end up paying for the meal! So I get our food and take it to a table, and then he sits down and starts eating, no thank you or anything.

After dinner, I asked if we could walk around the area, look at the shops and stuff. The whole time we were walking, he would always walk ahead of me, not beside me. And I think it was around the time of prom, so there were all these girls in fancy dresses, guys in tuxedos, and limos everywhere, so I was people watching a little. We were waiting at a corner to cross the street, and I guess the pedestrian light turns green and he starts walking. I must have been people watching all the prom kids, not paying attention. He starts whistling and snapping his fingers at me, telling me to come, like a dog!! I say back to him, “excuse me, I’m not your dog” and he just laughs and keeps walking.

We finish walking around, and go back to his apartment. When we get there, he asks if I want a drink. I ask what he has, and he says Jack Daniels and a bottle of wine. But then he adds: “I don’t know how old the wine is.” So he does a taste test, pours some in a glass, takes a sip and says, “Yeah, it’s pretty good.” I look down at his glass, and floating in the wine he just poured were hundreds, I kid you not, HUNDREDS of fruit flies! I look at him and say, “Did you just drink that!?!” and he looks at the glass, and runs to the kitchen and starts washing his mouth out and spitting and everything. I start laughing, naturally, and he gets angry. He says if I ever speak of this, he will punch me in the face. Sadly enough, he wasn’t kidding.

So I have to settle with a jack and coke, no ice, because it’s a guys house and guys aren’t organized enough to have ice in the freezer. We are sitting on his couch drinking and he is channel surfing. It was a Friday night, there were several movies on TV, but no. I have no say in what we watch. He makes me watch UFC fighting. ok, I totally respect UFC fighters, good for them, with their ability to kick other peoples asses. But no thanks. Don’t want to watch you.

Okay, I know you are probably thinking, this is ridiculously long, but just wait… it gets better.

So we are watching the UFC fighting, then he jumps up and says, “Wait, I have to show you something!” he starts rearranging his bedroom furniture and then goes to his closet and pulls out this big square suitcase with a cord attached. He plugs the cord into this wall and this loud obnoxious motor noise starts coming from the suitcase. The suitcase starts to unfold and expand. All this different parts keep coming out and getting bigger. IT’S AN INFLATABLE MATTRESS!! I’m sitting there speechless. And he turns to me and says, “What do you think? My mom got it for me from sky mall!”

Then he comes over to the couch, picks me up and throws (literally throws) me on that inflatable crap and starts to try to make out/hump my leg. We are both fully clothed, I wasn’t drunk at all, and he is sitting there humping my leg. Really, really? Then he turns to me and says “do you have a condom?”

At that point, I stand up, get my things, and leave. Standing outside, waiting for a cab to come, and a $78 cab ride later, I make it back to my hotel. Needless to say, I haven’t spoken to him since.